If there has been any topic in the ‘relationship’ industry that has received hoards of opinions and debates in recent times, it’s: Getting an ex back.

Due to the sheer number of articles on the web (mostly inaccurate) voicing out their different tips and opinions on the topic, I decided to reach out to 5 relationship experts to get their EXPERT advice.

I strongly believe that by following their tips and guidelines, you’ll definitely make a CLEVER decision.

So go grab a cup of coffee and get ready to be thrilled.

How to Get Your Ex Back – Advice From 5 Relationship Experts

Alright, let’s get started with…

1) Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

Rosalind is the founder of Child-Centered Divorce Network and the author of “How Do I Tell Kids About the Divorce“.

CDC provides tools, strategies, and advice that all parents need to truly support the wellbeing of their children.

Here’s her advise;

Frankly, there are no proven ways to get an ex back.

Often it’s not the right course of action.

However, if you can look within and identify actions/decisions’assumptions you made that you now regret, there is a chance you can open the door to dialogue about re-igniting that relationship.

This involves several steps, preferably in person or at least on the phone:

  • First owning/taking responsibility for past behavior you regret and now was not supportive of a healthy relationship.
  • Next, talk to your ex about what you learned, realized, see as a mistake and describe what was wrong about that behavior.
  • Apologize honestly, sincerely and with great intention, telling your ex you are so sorry for how they felt/experienced the situation. Don’t say I’m sorry you feel bad. You must say, I’m sorry I hurt you by doing …
  • Validate your ex’s feelings showing you understand how hurtful your behavior was. Mention you imagine how angry, sad, disappointed or other emotions they are feeling.
  • Commit to never repeating that behavior and talk about what you’ll do differently.
  • Reflect on what you learned about yourself and how this is going to change you in meaningful ways.
  • Ask if they will forgive you.

Do not stalk them, engage them via social media or text message, make repeated calls if they’ve not answered.

You can try sending a written letter via snail mail with an apology.

If you want your ex back but don’t feel the breakup was your responsibility in any way, it’s far less likely that you will succeed.

Sometimes it’s better to move on, learn the important lessons you missed in that relationship, and do better next time around.

Pointing the finger at your ex and telling them they are wrong, even if you totally believe that’s the case, is unlikely to get you the results you desire.

2) Jacqui Olliver

Jacqui Olliver

Jacqui Olliver

Jacqui is a Psychosexual Relationship Specialist at End the Problem.

She has helped over 1000 men, women and couples get a more happy, relaxed and fulfilling sex life and enhance their overall connection.

Her Advice on Getting Your Ex Back;

It’s important to get clear on the reality of why you broke up and to understand that you need to look toward creating a brand-new relationship; not a rehash of the past.

Essentially, this requires creating a better version of yourself, being someone who knows what they want and is consistently taking inspired action to be that person now.

This may or may not attract your previous partner (depending on whether they are aligned with your new direction) however it will most definitely attract a partner who is more suited to what’s important to you.

To do this, you may use the DREAM sequence:

Direction

Start by writing down:

  • What you want.
  • How you want to feel.
  • How you want to be in your relationship.
  • What values are important to you?
  • How do you like feeling when you are being with your partner?

There’s a part of your brain called the Reticular Activating System that makes you notice more of whatever you have focused your attention on, so all change must start here.

Responsibility

All your thoughts and the resulting words and actions are either leading you toward what you want or away from what you want.

Pay attention to where your thoughts are taking you and choose them carefully, so you keep moving forward toward your ideal relationship with yourself and another person.

Emotions

If you are making impulsive decisions and stalking your ex on social media, chances are you will constantly be emotionally triggered and keep yourself feeling sad and stuck.

Whenever you feel triggered emotionally, bring your full awareness into your body to calm your body’s stress response and restore a sense of ease.

Make every choice from an empowered place of calm.

Attraction

Engaging in hobbies that fulfill you as a person make you less reliant on any one person to make you happy and provides a plethora of interesting conversations to bring to a relationship.

Take care of your personal appearance and do your best to enhance your health and fitness levels through exercise and wise food choices.

Motivation

Is the driving force behind all change.

If you find yourself lacking motivation, check the direction of your thoughts, words, and actions which are often the cause of the effects you are seeing in your life.

3) Lisa Concepcion

Lisa Concepcion

Lisa Concepcion

Lisa is a Certified Life Coach specializing in Dating & Relationships, Creator of the Post Break Up Detox and Founder of LoveQuest Coaching.

Her Advice:

Generally speaking, the best way to “get back an ex” is to detach from the outcome of getting them back.

Communicate that you want to be together and try to solve whatever problem there is as a team.

AND….that you love and appreciate them.

Then, if they are still resistant, proceed with your own self-care.

The biggest mistake people make is that they hold on too tightly and don’t allow space for spirit (God, the Universe) to divinely guide.

There’s a time to take action and a time to allow things to fall as they’re meant to with total faith you’ll be okay no matter what.

Typically, people who want their ex back are codependent and forget to ask themselves if they really want to be with someone who doubts the relationship or even themselves.

Whenever someone considers leaving a relationship or breaks up there’s a trust that is fractured.

This leads to insecurity.

It’s best to tell them that you love them but aren’t interested in convincing anyone of your worth or value.

Either they see it or they don’t.

It’s very hard when you still love someone who feels the need to move on. Again, focus on your own faith, well being and go inward to heal.

The answer to our well being is internal never inside another person.

People need to get clear on why they want the ex back in the first place.

It’s not about proving worth.

It’s about asking questions to understand the other person and what they need that led to their decision then respecting it.

No one should want to be with anyone who thinks life is better without them.

Set them free with love if they are unwilling to address problems together with an intent to find solutions as a team.

People waste so much time and energy pining over people when they can shift that energy into self-healing, self-love, and growth so that they in time can call in another partner who is more aligned.

Who we are with has to do with our energy and who it is a match for.

4) Kira Nurieli

Kira Nurieli

Kira Nurieli

Kira is an Organizational Psychologist and certified Conflict Coach, Mediator, and Restorative Justice practitioner.

She runs a collective of mediators who serve their clients with Conflict & Communication Strategies, called “Harmony Strategies Group” (“HSG”).

Her Thoughts…

Ways to get your ex back?

I imagine it relates to why you broke up in the first place ;

  • Was it something you did?
  • Some ways you behave(d)?

The best way to get back together is to target what went wrong in the first place.

Often, a coach or therapist can help unpack what happened and discover/shed light on ways you can grow/change to address the breakup.

Strong emotional IQ is what it takes to self-reflect and change in the ways that will impress upon your ex that things can be better the next time around.

We often have difficulty becoming self-aware on our own, so a coach/therapist or other neutral third parties can help immensely, to see what we can’t on our own.

5) Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., (aka “Dr. Romance”)

Tina B. Tessina Ph.D.

Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D.

Tina is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California, with 40 years’ experience in counseling individuals and couples.

She’s also the author of 15 books in 17 languages, including:

  • How to be Happy Partners: Working it out Together
  • Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences
  • The Real 13th Step: Discovering Confidence, Self-Reliance
  • Independence Beyond the 12-Step Programs and her newest
  • Dr. Romance’s Guide to Finding Love Today.

Her Advice

“Once you’re bonded with someone, it’s very painful to let go.

Since most of us like to avoid our feelings, we don’t want to do the grieving that’s necessary to let go.

But, when you’ve had a loss, there are a certain number of tears you must cry to let go — getting on with the crying is the fastest way.

Also, the dissolution of the relationship might not have been your idea, so you’re clinging to a dream — in denial.

Some people have the urge to try harder when someone breaks up with them because they finally get it that love is something we earn.

They’ve been being lazy, thinking they can get away with just “phoning it in” or behaving badly, and the breakup finally gets through their denial.

We also have a lot of cultural mythology about “I’ll never stop loving you” and that clinging and martyring to this lost love means you are truly in love.

Clinging to a lost love is immature, to begin with.

You must understand that a relationship is a partnership, and requires work on both lovers’ parts in order to succeed.

The initial romance stage isn’t supposed to last, the relationship is supposed to grow into a real-life partnership, and that requires paying attention, learning, and growth.

It’s not a fairy tale– it’s a real-life love story, and well worth the work required.

If you give nothing, you get nothing.

However, now it might be too late to remedy the problem that led to the breakup.

If you persist in;

  • Showing up at your ex’s house
  • Calling or showing up at their job
  • Threaten them physically
  • Call their family and friends
  • Or otherwise, interfere with their life

You should know that this behavior is not only pushing them away, but it is also illegal in many states, which define it as stalking.

Sometimes, the clinging is encouraged, wittingly or unwittingly, by an ex who doesn’t really want to be with you, but who either doesn’t want to ‘hurt you’ or is still getting benefits (sex without commitment, you do the laundry, you’re willing to take the kids more than your share) that they don’t want to jeopardize.

Surprisingly enough, many people do start dating again after they’ve divorced or split up.

Here are some guidelines for doing that successfully.

Guidelines for Improving the Odds with your Ex

  • Go very slowly. If you’re rushing into it, I can guarantee it’s a bad idea you don’t want to face the truth about. Slow down. If it’s going to work, it will work better slowly, and you’ll have a chance to build a better foundation than the last time.
  • Treat it like a new relationship. Start from the beginning, and do it differently û it could work this time.
  • Analyze what went wrong the last time, and consciously try to do it differently ù talk about it with your partner (your ex) ù if you cannot talk honestly about what went wrong and what to do differently, you’ll never change anything.
  • Make sure your ex is as determined to correct the old problems as you are. If he or she is blaming you for everything that went wrong, disaster is imminent. If you’re blaming your ex, it’s just as big a problem.
  • Insist on couples therapy for both of you. Pre-commitment therapy can help you find out the pitfalls and whether you’ve solved the old problems.
  • Consider seeing a therapist by yourself. Have an expert help you decide if you’re dating for the right reasons (From The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again)”

In Conclusion…

Getting an ex back; be it your…

  • Girlfriend
  • Boyfriend
  • Wife or
  • Husband

…is a pretty difficult task and most times, it’s not the right course of action.

It’s simply better to just move on with your life.

But if you must, then please make sure you’re HONEST and DON’T be A STALKER.

Following the tips and guidelines above will help get your ex back the right way.